Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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