I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
