Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
