So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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