I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
