Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize