accomplished twins. life is a go
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
