im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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