guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
