Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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