And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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