For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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