Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
