I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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