he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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