He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
