you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
