On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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