she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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