Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
