We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
