Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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