my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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