Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
