i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
