Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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