so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
