3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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