I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
