the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
