her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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