Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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