I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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