we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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