when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
