our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
