dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
