two words: eviction party
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
