I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
