my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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