Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
