I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You pole danced in your parka.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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