as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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