i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
