I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
