sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there's paper in my vomit.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
