I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
