Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
false alarm, still single
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
