I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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