The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
