I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
