I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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