He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
