Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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