I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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