Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
