I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
