I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
