Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
