he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
